Har du virkelig brug for at din partner er monogam?

by Anja Lysholm on 14. oktober 2009

I min bog er der et afsnit om jalousi. Her fortæller jeg at jeg har haft stor glæde af en metode der hedder The Work af Byron Katie. The Work går ud på at man undersøger de tanker det ligger til grund for at man har det skidt, for simpelthen at finde ud af om det passer, det man tænker, eller det i virkeligheden er sindet der forsøger at bilde en noget ind. Det er en meget blid og meget effektiv metode. (Jeg kan anbefale at downloade “Den Lille Bog” om the work ved at klikke her og læse den før resten af indlægget her hvis The Work er helt fremmed for dig).

Jeg er så heldig at der i Byron Katies nyhedsbrev i dag er en dialog om monogami, og den passer jo helt perfekt til læserne af min bog om utroskab, så derfor vil jeg bringe uddraget her – og så håber jeg du kan læse engelsk. 🙂 Det fulde nyhedsbrev finder du her: http://www.byronkatie.com/newsletter_oct09.html

Inquiry: “I Need Charlie to be Monogamous”

Katie: Okay, sweetheart, read your Worksheet.
Ellen: I am frustrated with Charlie because he’s in love with another woman. He’s been having affairs for fifteen years. I can only be with him if I accept that he has an affair running. I want Charlie to realize what he’s doing and stop thinking that it’s normal to be in a very close relationship and still have an affair.
Katie: So sweetheart, “You need him to be monogamous”—is that true? Or “You want him to be monogamous”—is that true?
Ellen: No. I think I will get bored.
Katie: So he has the perfect partner, and you have the perfect partner. How do you react when you believe this thought “I want him to be monogamous,” and he hasn’t been—for fifteen years?
Ellen: I get really frustrated. I try all kinds of things. I try to be open and nice and say okay, do it, and then I hide my jealousy. Or I have tantrums and scream and try different ways to manipulate him.
Katie: So does that thought bring peace or stress into your life—”I want him to be monogamous”?
Ellen: Stress.
Katie: Give me a peaceful reason to believe this. If it’s peace you seek, give me a peaceful reason to believe this.
Ellen: There is none.
Katie: None? So close your eyes, and picture yourself living with him the last fifteen years, picture life together: he’s coming, he’s going. Now watch your life with him without the thought “I want him to be monogamous.” Who would you be without that thought?
Ellen: Enjoying when he comes, loving, to me.
Katie: Continue to watch. What else do you see without the thought “I want him to be monogamous”? Look at your life, look at his life.
Ellen: We have a great life. I guess I am afraid that the next time he has an affair, he will just go and not come back.
Katie: I would write that thought down and do The Work on it later. “He is not coming back.” I would really question it. So “I want him to be monogamous”—turn it around.
Ellen: I don’t want him to be monogamous.
Katie: Now give me an example of why your life is better because he’s not monogamous.
Ellen: I have many! Okay, it keeps me on the track of watching myself and my thoughts. I don’t get bored. He comes back much more loving.
Katie: Now why is his life better because he’s not monogamous? Reasons that you’re thankful for. The things that you like about it in his life.
Ellen: I don’t know. That’s his business. I can’t go into his head. Reasons that I think that?
Katie: Advantages to him that really are advantages to you.
Ellen: Oh. He doesn’t get bored with me.
Katie: Yes, when he’s gone, you’re not arguing.
Ellen: Hmm. That is better for him.
Katie: Because his life is not monogamous, and that’s how he’s living it. He does what he has been doing for fifteen years, and you have continued to accept him back into your life and that tells me that it is okay with you that he isn’t monogamous and you’re fooling yourself, lying to both of you, when you say that it isn’t okay, and that is the pain that you both feel. Okay, now read the next thing you wrote.
Ellen: I want him to find out why he needs more than one woman as an emotional and sexual partner.
Katie: So turn it around.
Ellen: I want to find out why I need more than one…
Katie: “I want me to find out why he needs…”
Ellen: Oh. I want me to find out why he needs more than one woman.
Katie: So ask him, find out. [Pause—looks at Charlie, who is in the audience] He’s checking it out. [To Charlie] Why do you need more than one woman, in your relationship with her for fifteen years? Why do you prefer non-monogamy? [To Ellen] Are those the questions you want the answers to? Okay.
Charlie: It’s more fun.
Katie [to Ellen]: So look into his eyes, honey. You wanted to know. So there is his answer.
Charlie: And there’s more. I find that there’s something… I feel like when I limit myself to one woman, I feel like I’m in a box… It’s almost like it doesn’t feel like love to say that I’m just with one woman. I feel that if I deny myself being open with other people, and that includes sexually…, I’m denying something that’s quite natural in me. And I tried monogamy, and it didn’t work for me. I noticed that I punished the woman that I was with, for me not being able to live the life that I wanted to live, I blamed her for the decisions I was making. And I also suspect there’s some identities in there that I need to look at.
Katie [to Ellen]: So sweetheart, that’s why. And you could say, “Thank you.” And also, he has nothing to lose! His having affairs is okay with you. You’re always there for him. So you’re the perfect partner. It’s not right or wrong; it’s just working, for fifteen years.
Ellen: Yes, and a couple of months ago, something changed.
Katie: So stop for a moment, please. Lets go a little further with The Work.
Ellen: Yes.
Katie: “I want him to be monogamous”—turn it around.
Ellen: Well, I said already, I don’t want him to be monogamous.
Katie: Okay, put “you” on it.
Ellen: I want me to be monogamous.
Katie: Just feel that turnaround.
Ellen: Yes.
Katie: Continue to read.
Ellen: I want him to stop chasing other women.
Katie: Turn it around.
Ellen: I want me to stop chasing Charlie?
Katie: He chases them, you chase him. You’re doing what he does. And I haven’t heard that he chases women. It’s a belief. So you might ask him later, is it true that you chase women? For all you know, he doesn’t chase them. They’re not running away from him. The next one?
Ellen: I need Charlie to be clear and stop giving me confused messages.
Katie: Turn it around.
Ellen: I need me to be clear and stop giving him confused messages.
Katie: And to stop giving confused messages to yourself, sweetheart. You say his non-monogamy is not okay with you, but in reality it is.
Ellen: I wrote the whole thing because I have one confusion, and I didn’t know how to write it. Two months ago something changed, and I said, no, you can do whatever you like, but I’m never going to be here for you. And then he stopped having sex with the woman he is in love with and… But he keeps saying, I love you, I love her, I love you, and I love her. He keeps saying that. And I’m a little confused.
Katie: Okay, so what can he do about that? He loves her, he loves you. You know, honey, the one that seems to bother you is the thought that he’s not coming back. So let’s say he keeps having sex with this woman. “He’s not coming back”—can you absolutely know that that’s true?
Ellen: No.
Katie: And what happens when you believe that thought? How do you react?
Ellen: I feel very jealous, I feel very angry.
Katie: I want you to locate how that feels. You think it, and the image that supports that thought brings on the emotions that you feel. What happens to your body when you believe the thought “He’s not coming back”? Where do the feelings happen? What happens emotionally? How intense are the feelings?
Ellen: A pain in my throat—sometimes all here, in the front.
Katie: Close your eyes and continue to describe it.
Ellen: Hmm… I feel helpless, I can’t do anything about it: this image of my father preferring my sister, not me.
Katie (to audience): Someone write down that one-liner and give it to her later to take to inquiry. “My father preferred my sister, not me.” (To Ellen🙂 So now, sweetheart, keep your eyes closed. Imagine your life when he’s gone, without the thought “He’s not coming back.”
Ellen: I would be relaxed. If I knew that he’s always forever going to come back…
Katie: But knowing nothing one way or the other, who would you be living your life without the thought “He’s not coming back?” Look at your life the way you live it, without that thought.
Ellen: Hmm. It’s difficult to imagine.
Katie: Yes. So I invite you to sit with that, and watch. I’m doing my Work. I ask you, so I imagine me, with Stephen gone. Who would I be without the thought “He’s not coming back”? I see me going to the market, doing the dishes, living my life…
Ellen: Yes, I see it now.
Katie: You’ve got a life, with or without the thought. And when he’s gone, whether you know he’s coming back or not, you are living your life. You’re still doing the dishes, you’re still going to the market, only without the thought, where is the problem? There are two ways to do the dishes or go to the market.
Ellen: Thank you.
Katie: You’re welcome. And turn that one around. “He’s not coming back.”
Ellen: He is coming back? Maybe…
Katie: Only for fifteen years. [The audience laughs.] “He’s not coming back”—can you find another turnaround?
Ellen: Yes, I’m not coming back to myself when he goes.
Katie: Yes, you’re mentally living out his affair with him, and there’s no one living your life here for you! Mentally, there are three of you over there having the affair, and there is no one here for you as you are going to the market. Instead of two apples, you buy one.
Ellen [laughing]: He comes home very hungry.
Katie: Thank you, honey.
Ellen: Thank you, Katie.

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